It’s The EDM Of The World As We Know It

It is time for me to get back in touch with The Kids, by listening to the UK Top 40 and putting it in order of how much I like it as I go. Best to worst.

  1. RUDIMENTAL ft JOHN NEWMAN - “Feel The Love” - Once upon a time my child there were dance tracks which did different things in one song and had surprises in / HAW HAW GRANDAD IS TELLING US OF THE OLD TIMES AGAIN. The bit where this turns into Dexys on the breakdown »> the new Dexys album BTW.
  2. NICKI MINAJ - “Starships” - It could just be branding that makes me like this more than the grillion things which sound like it. But I don’t think so.
  3. SKRILLEX - “Bangarang” - BORAG THUNGG SKRILLEX. Thrill power overload! You only need 1 in 4 of his tracks though, such is the way of pop.
  4. D’BANJ - “Oliver Twist” - Hey, I like Beyonce too!
  5. DJ FRESH FT DIZZEE RASCAL - “The Power” - I realised during the Calvin Harris debacle that Dizzee’s voice just plain SUITS lowest common denominator cash grabs. It’s wrong, I know, I know, but it’s true. This sounds very much like 5ive if they could rap, i.e. great.
  6. CARLY RAE JEPSEN - “Call Me Maybe”
  7. PITBULL - “Back In Time” - This is exactly what a Men In Black soundtrack single ought to sound like, pop-rap fun for all ages and Pitbull as breathlessly enthused as a kid at Disneyland.
  8. JUSTIN BIEBER FT BIG SEAN - “As Long As You Love Me” - Post-prosperity gloomfest from Bieber, austerity has not yet touched the wobbly noise reserves tho.
  9. PROFESSOR GREEN ft RUTH ANNE - “Remedy” - I just enjoy Professor Green’s voice to be honest. He’s a cheeky fellow.
  10. KELLY CLARKSON - “Dark Side” - All the goodwill in the world to her, this builds splendidly on the verses into a disappointing CGI Perrygeddon chorus. Has a middle eight, a quaint old luxury that.
  11. KATY PERRY - “Wide Awake” - Speak of the devil! I like how she’s coming on like a grizzled veteran. Best song about not googling Russell Brand before marrying him ever.
  12. COLDPLAY FT RIHANNA - “Princess Of China” - A preposterous folly which my inner 50 quid man rather likes. Prog’n’B direction pls.
  13. FLO RIDA FT SIA - “Wild Ones” - Who will rid me of my strange affection for interchangeable EDM rap verses?
  14. AN ALGORITHM PRETENDING TO BE MAROON 5 - “Payphone” - For me this is the definitive version of “Payphone”. Maroon5_ebooks.
  15. TRAIN - “Drive By” - You like a Coldplay track and next thing you know… Sizeable chorus. Sounds like a creditable Danish Eurovision entry. It’s a slippery slope even so.
  16. AVICII - “Silhouettes” - The music’s not exactly prizewinning but Avicii at least sounds interesting, takes a different route from bosh’n’bellow.
  17. LOREEN - “Euphoria” - Still glad this won Eurovision ahead of whatever shite japesters were in the running. Unless they were Train.
  18. RIHANNA - “Where Have You Been?” - Give it a rest with those bloody synths!
  19. ALEX CLARE - “Too Close” - WUB WUB WUB, not down w/ his ‘bluesy’ voice though.
  20. DOT ROTTON - “Overload” - Should have done more with that sample really. Portentious stuff, we live in heavy times.
  21. NELLY FURTADO - “Big Hoops” - suddenly gets really good 30 seconds before the end. FFS Nelly.
  22. USHER - “Scream” - Not so bad when it’s sung well, this stuff.
  23. GOTYE ft KIMBRA - “Somebody That I Used To Know” - Good chorus but, I don’t know, his voice on the verses feels like he’s about to lick my ear.
  24. EMELI SANDE - “My Kind Of Love” - SRS BUSINESS, kind of sort of post-Adele? Bit too SRS for my liking.
  25. FUN. FT JANELLE MONAE - “We Are Young” - Amazingly the first time I’ve heard this! It is a lot cleverer than, say, Train, has more ideas, bags of character, it’s just really, really, really annoying me.
  26. TULISA - “Young” - What are the chances eh?
  27. RITA ORA ft TINIE TEMPAH - “RIP” - Tinie Tempah got super charmless quite quickly!
  28. TREY SONGZ - “Heart Attack” - Applying the big room filter to an R’n’B ballad is just so pointless.
  29. PALOMA FAITH - “Picking Up The Pieces” - chews her vocals too much for me to work out what’s wrong.
  30. THE WANTED - “Chasing The Sun” - Unintentionally comic effect as a bunch of lads try to do a soaring trance chorus and end up with the world’s politest terrace chant. If these lyrics were for the Stone Roses comeback single the fans would love it.
  31. LADY ANTEBELLUM - “Need You Now” - No problem w/this song at all but it’s old, grandpa. (I guess someone sung it on a TV show?)
  32. JESSIE J ft DAVID GUETTA - “Laserlight” - The theme of this is basically “Super Trouper” no? I like it when she goes “David G!” and there’s a 2-note synth solo.
  33. SOMEONE OFF THE VOICE - “Higher Love” - This is a good song, thankyou for reminding me of it Mr Off The Voice.
  34. FLO RIDA - “Whistle” - WHAT IS A WHISTLE IS IT A METAPHOR
  35. CHERYL - “Call My Name” - An idea supervoid.
  36. CALVIN HARRIS ft NE-YO - “Let’s Go” - Criminal waste of Ne-Yo, would shame even Guetta.
  37. LABRINTH - “Express Yourself” - Labrinth NO put the sample DOWN it’s not yours. He has not yet lived up to the first three seconds (“Labrinth - COME IN”) of Earthquake. :(
  38. ED SHEERAN - “Small Bump” - His Wikipedia page has a section for philanthropy and he is clearly a very thoughtful person.
  39. LAWSON - “When She Was Mine” - What kind of boyband name is Lawson?! As in Nigella? God help us NIGEL? Rhythm guitar presets like wilted lettuce.
  40. GARY BARLOW AND THE MILITARY WIVES - “Sing” - No future.

Notes

  1. tomewing posted this